Glacial Pace

I’d like to believe that my disease is progressing at a glacial pace, like Hubbard Glacier, Alaska. The damaged DNA drifts silently through the lymphatic system, depositing debris in nodes, seeping into blood vessels, landing on the southern shore of the liver and the northern reaches of the brain. At times, a solid shard of tumor drops into the bone with a heavy thud.

I don’t consider a glacier by itself beautiful - it is only ice, immense and cold. What draws the eye are the jagged peaks rising around it. The glacier’s true beauty lies in the mind, in its vastness and its power to outlast us. Much like my own physical self, destined to dissolve into memory.

Novice Aurora Hunter

In many traditional Indigenous beliefs, whistling or singing to the Aurora Borealis would attract the spirits or ghosts of the dead, who might carry you away. Clapping your hands, however, was seen as a way to ward off these spirits or scare them away, keeping you safe from the lights.

Last night, near Anchorage, I did clap my hands, because a local guide told us the opposite, about a shaman who clapped his hands and disappeared. I missed my opportunity to transcend.

Shirts

I try to wear a cheerful shirt to each of my medical appointments, but so far, only the psychiatrist noticed and related to it. I wonder if this could serve as a test for empathy. I can see myself facing a surgery, and if the surgeon doesn’t comment on my shirt, I’ll feel obliged to tell him that we have to postpone the operation because he’s not the right doctor for me.

Food

Some foods are so bad for you, that you should have them only if you’re already dying.

Angus

Angus, a 6 year survivor who relentlessly advocates for lung cancer patients nationwide, wrote:

“My youngest son is there [Alberta] and is my health proxy. I want to spend my final days with him. As long as I'm in treatment here [Surrey, BC] I'll stay here but I fear that is rapidly coming to an end.”

I replied on our community forum:

I think that it’s way too early for an obituary, Angus. I’d like to share something I learned in Meaning Centred Psychotherapy, because I believe that you’re a living, inspiring example on how to behave and cope in a meaningful way. Viktor Frankl wrote:

“If there is a meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death human life cannot be complete. The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity—even under the most difficult circumstances—to add a deeper meaning to his life. It may remain brave, dignified and unselfish. Or in the bitter fight for self-preservation he may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance for a man either to make use of or to forgo the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him. And this decides whether he is worthy of his sufferings or not.”

Toys

Picked up some new fidget toys: sinus rinse, steroid ampule, antibiotic cream, and acid reflux pills. Five years of nasal inflammation, now officially endorsed by my ENT doctor.

Apparently, cancer doesn’t come with immunity to everyday annoyances.

May It Be So

Poem and illustration by Marcia Falk
From The Days Between: Blessings, Poems, and Directions of the Heart for the Jewish High Holiday Season

May the year bring abundant blessings—
beauty, creativity, delight!
May we be confident, courageous,
and devoted to our callings.

May our lives be enriched with education.
May we find enjoyment in our work
and fulfillment in our friendships.

May we grow, may we have good health.
In darker times, may we be sustained
by gratitude and hope.