Tales from the Lung Void

A few weeks ago, the oncologic NP (nurse practitioner) described my health living with cancer as a line trending downward with periodic plateaus of stability. I suppose the trajectory continues in that pattern until the line hits the ground. There are no units on this imaginary graph. It could be days or months. Since science does not provide the answers I want, I have to resort to other methods, such as the ancient, reliable pseudoscience of palm reading. AI makes palmistry more accessible, and you can even get it to read out the interpretations in a soothing voice. Here is a photo of my left hand, followed by its analysis by AI in Pro mode. A palmistry analysis of a left hand, which is considered the "Fate" or "Potential" hand. It represents inherited traits, natural disposition, and the destiny dealt at the start of your journey. Shape: A broad, square Earth hand. Indicates practicality over theory. Life Line: A deep arc, showing robust baseline vitality. Inters...

While walking the path around Lost Lagoon with Sheryl recently, I noticed a suspicious artifact perched on a fence. A crow. It was clearly surveilling the pedestrians, panning its head rhythmically from side to side. This was obvious evidence that “Birds Aren’t Real.” Birds are actually drones operated by the United States government to spy on citizens of the world, as Peter McIndoe posited in 2017 . In April 2023, McIndoe held a TED Talk about the the satirical conspiracy theory. Why mention a fake drone conspiracy? Because in the cancer world, we have a very real, very dangerous equivalent: Cancer Denialism. But unlike the bird conspiracy, the people promoting these theories are deadly serious. There is no satirical punchline here. Here are the a few specific, prevailing theories of cancer denialism: The Emotional Conflict Theory (German New Medicine) Every tumor corresponds to a specific "conflict." For instance, a "nest-worry conflict" (worrying about a family ...

I think I’ve reached the age where I have to take a nap in the afternoon. Or something else. It started a few days ago as a “sleep attack” around 3 PM. My eyelids get heavy and close. The moment I lie down, I doze off into the twilight phase before falling asleep (hypnagogia). I wake up two hours later, thinking it’s morning. I force myself to go for a walk, which wakes me up. It’s not a painful experience, just curiouser and curiouser. Is this a side effect of chemotherapy on a background of morphine-induced drowsiness, or am I turning into a narcoleptic day vampire?

Blue Moon Marquee at The Wise. I wore full body armour coated in disinfectant (traditional Romanian garlic water) for safety. Sheryl found me a chair in the back, safely quarantined in the section reserved for bad dancers and other medical conditions.

Sheryl and I attended a presentation this evening titled “ A Gentle Conversation About the End of Life: What Matters Most? ” The panel consisted of four certified Death Doulas. The average age of the audience appeared to be about 70, which led me to conclude that I am far too young for the occasion. I’ve decided I’ve had enough of this cancer BS and I’m just not going to die anymore. In case my brain waves are not strong enough to affect the universe, I have a simple Plan B: bury the cancer and ascend to heaven. I’ll be wearing my “Who can resist these puppies?” hoodie on my last day.

Early retirement turned me into a reluctant cream collector. Thanks to my predicament, I’ve become a modern man metrosexual and a cream connoisseur. The Amivantamab leaflet is blunt: a 75% chance of itchiness and skin rashes. Finding the right cream became the primary objective. I started the misadventure with Udderly Smooth, a recommendation from the support group. It’s affordable and hydrates everything. Does it work for Ami? No. It isn't occlusive enough to stop the "water loss" that occurs during the loading phase. Then there was Urisec 22%, a relic from my experience with Osimertinib and a podiatrist’s favorite for nail issues. Does it handle Ami? No. It remains the gold standard for the painful skin fissures you might get on your fingertips and heels later, but it’s the wrong tool for this rash. Fine. I tried Aveeno Anti-Itch. Does it handle Ami? No. It’s a decent emergency fix for breakthrough itching, but it does nothing to prevent the rash from forming in the fir...

I came across this research: " Marriage and Cancer Risk: A Contemporary Population-Based Study Across Demographic Groups and Cancer Types ." "We found that never-married adults, both women and men, experienced substantially higher cancer incidence across nearly all major cancer sites, racial/ethnic groups, and age groups compared with ever-married individuals [...] Supporting individuals who wish to marry or have children... may have downstream implications for cancer risk." Now I have an answer for everyone asking how I got lung cancer despite never smoking: I married too late. I was 40. My body had four decades to accumulate mutations before I met Sheryl. Frankly, my message to the world about the stigma of lung cancer isn't very exciting. I should focus on this instead: “Kids, get married as soon as possible. It reduces your future cancer risk. Science says. And by the way, don’t smoke. It helps, too.”